Grief, a not so funny thing

Loss of a loved one has always been a struggle for me.  I've never dealt well with it.  I usually question my emotions and whether I should be feeling what I'm feeling.

That's how I identify grief: confusing pot of emotions.

Usually I start off by being mad because I feel robbed in some way.  There's never enough time.  No matter whether or not I think I've truly let the other know how important they are in my life.  I always want more time.

Sadness is inevitable.  And it usually comes in waves and not always at times that make sense.  I used to believe that I was weak if I cried.  Now I know myself well enough to know that it takes real strength for me to cry because that means I'm allowing myself to really feel...feel to the marrow...to my soul.

Guilt sometimes comes with my grief.  I'll remember some horrific thing I had said, or in rare occasions did,and wonder if I had made peace with my atrocious statement/action.

Helplessness is dominant.  I want to ease the pain of those who are even more affected than I am.  To tell the truth, it's selfish.  By helping I can forget my pain for awhile and focus on another's.  It's wrong, but I do it.

Eventually I come around to relief.  I'm able to talk about the loved one lost.  Share memories. Look through photos.  Hear others tell stories.

Grief carries many masks for each of us.  I hope that as I deal with our latest loss I can get to where I can remember how Mike Larsen always made me smile, always made my boys feel extra special, always greeted me warmly, always had an aura of light around him that radiated from his smile.

I'll get there.  Hopefully, my friends, colleagues, and his family will too.

For Mike...