A wish for my sons

Every parent has many hopes and dreams for their children.  I am no different.  However, I wonder if my biggest wish for my sons would be the same as many other parents.

What I wish for most for the boys are that they are lucky enough to find someone who makes them as happy and fulfilled as their father does for me.  Paul is my better half, my true complement, my support, my best friend.

It's funny to think back on our 18 years together.  Some know that I used to be the girl who said she was never getting married and never having children...then this guy comes into Dairy Chef in the winter of '92.

He was wearing jeans, a motorcycle t-shirt, black motorcycle boots, a Peru State College football jacket, a 3-4 inch long goatee, and two silver hoop earrings in his left ear.  Let's just say he was the opposite of most of the guys I had dated by this time in my life.

There was something about him.  I can't explain it, but I felt an  immediate attraction to him and he had NO idea who I was and wasn't even looking.  I have never forgotten that day.

Eventually we started hanging out with mutual friends and in May of '93 we began a life together.  I couldn't believe it.  I was (still am) head over heels for a guy...started dreaming about being married to him...having his children (two boys that would be named Zachary Robert and Devin John (aka DJ)).

Paul has always made me feel important and loved.  I can guarantee that my life would not be what it is today had I not met Paul.  In fact, it's frightening to think what my life could have been like.  I thank God every night for the gift of our love and for having such an amazing husband.

January 19, Paul celebrates his birthday.  I hope he has at least some idea of how much I love and adore him.  I could not be who I am today if it wasn't for him.

I pray that Zachary and Devin will find the same kind of love in their life and that they grow to be the kind of men that their father is.  These will be the greatest successes of my life.

Thank you, Paul, for being the man that you are and loving me as you do.  I love you more than you will ever know.  Hope your birthday is extra special!

A true gift, my mother

I will never forget a couple of very difficult phone calls Lyle delivered to me in regards to my mom. The first one was January 11, 1993.  My mom, the courageous, the beautiful, the intelligent, Beth Joy, made what was probably a very difficult decision for her at the time.

As a college freshman, I, of course, knew it all. My actions and my words proved that for me more times than I care to remember.  At this time in my life my friends were my family. The only blood relatives that I regularly sought out were not in my immediate family. 

My heart was stone, especially to my mother. Little did I know that she had decided to give me the most precious gift, herself.  She took care of herself and we began to heal...together.  Every day our relationship grew stronger and stronger.  A jackhammer attacked the stone of my heart...piece by piece...chunk by chunk.

Over the last eighteen years I've had a mom, a confidant, a challenger, a support, a number one fan.  I am so appreciative that she has made so many positive choices for herself and for our family that she will never really grasp it. 

Sometimes she feels guilt and I try to assure her how thankful I am for the life I've led thanks to choices she's made.  The choices are what create the person. 

So, Mom, on the anniversary of that very difficult decision, thank you for choosing as you have.  I am proud to be your daughter! Much love!

Grief, a not so funny thing

Loss of a loved one has always been a struggle for me.  I've never dealt well with it.  I usually question my emotions and whether I should be feeling what I'm feeling.

That's how I identify grief: confusing pot of emotions.

Usually I start off by being mad because I feel robbed in some way.  There's never enough time.  No matter whether or not I think I've truly let the other know how important they are in my life.  I always want more time.

Sadness is inevitable.  And it usually comes in waves and not always at times that make sense.  I used to believe that I was weak if I cried.  Now I know myself well enough to know that it takes real strength for me to cry because that means I'm allowing myself to really feel...feel to the marrow...to my soul.

Guilt sometimes comes with my grief.  I'll remember some horrific thing I had said, or in rare occasions did,and wonder if I had made peace with my atrocious statement/action.

Helplessness is dominant.  I want to ease the pain of those who are even more affected than I am.  To tell the truth, it's selfish.  By helping I can forget my pain for awhile and focus on another's.  It's wrong, but I do it.

Eventually I come around to relief.  I'm able to talk about the loved one lost.  Share memories. Look through photos.  Hear others tell stories.

Grief carries many masks for each of us.  I hope that as I deal with our latest loss I can get to where I can remember how Mike Larsen always made me smile, always made my boys feel extra special, always greeted me warmly, always had an aura of light around him that radiated from his smile.

I'll get there.  Hopefully, my friends, colleagues, and his family will too.

For Mike...

Education World ® Technology Center: Doug Johnson: A Proposal for Banning Pencils

Education World ® Technology Center: Doug Johnson: A Proposal for Banning Pencils

Future Paleontologist

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Originally uploaded by heatherjoymckay

Welcome to a view unlike most!

Before my grandfather died he told me that I should write a book.  That is one of many statements he delivered that will remain with me forever.  While this is not the book I may one day write, it will serve as an avenue to get things started.

The views posted here are mine, as lame or twisted as they may be or become. One of the many gifts Americans are given is the gift of being able to think for ourselves through powerful freedom granted by the forefathers and protected by numerous men and women of the Armed forces.

A New Year represents another new start. New starts are vital to one's survival.  They allow for us to own our mistakes and to learn from them as we venture down new paths.

2010 was an amazing year for me.  Our boys are thriving and growing, Paul and I are as close as ever, and I am growing professionally.  However, there is always room for improvement.

I have always believed as Mufasa stated to Simba in The Lion King that I am more than I've become.  Each day I work to become the best that I am to be.  2011 will be no different for me.  I will strive to make real differences in the various areas of my life.  I will strive to post updates weekly to my blog.  Here's to working toward more in 2011.

~Heather Joy